divorce – Single Mummy Life

Single Mummy Life – A year In review -How was 2015 for you?-

So you did it! You made it through Christmas and now its just New Years Eve to navigate and we are done for another year! I am still on holiday from work and its taken till now to finally decompress and relax.

So what shall we do now I hear you say? As 2015 draws to a close it’s time to reflect on the year that has passed and look forward to the new one.

2015 was was a roller coaster of a year for me with big highs and some very lows days for me. I am not sure whether I am glad to see the back of it to be honest but I guess I have to be thankful for the highs and I need to reflect and learn from the lows.

So here is my Single Mummy Life 2015 review with both good and bad bits included.

The best thing that happened to me all year was starting this blog (and it is doing great) I have found a rich vein of creativity that has inspired me to do new things with my life, develop new skills. connect with new people and start a business it has been amazing , transformational and has definitely changed my life for the better.

Another wonderful thing that happened was that I had a piece published in a national newspaper. The article was about my experiences of being the single mother of mixed race children and how black and mixed people are represented in the media. It was also a lesson for me in grabbing opportunities as they are presented to you, a journalist asked to write something following a post in social media and although I was scared I didn’t hesitate.and the results were fantastic foe me.

The children are a massive part of my life and we have been through a lot together this year. Teen Boy finished school and started university and is now getting paid to play rugby part time which is a massive achievement and a culmination of years of dedication and hard work. Teen girl got into the performing arts school of her dreams which was like a reality TV fairy tale and she has been so much happier ever since. Don’t get me wrong we still have our challenges but its wonderful to see your children go through tough times and come out the other side smiling

Coming to terms with the end of my marriage and feeling a failure because of it was one of the recurring lows of this year. I had busied my myself with work education and the children in years since my divorce, never really dealing with the emotional side of a very difficult time, my ex remarrying and moving abroad has allowed to time to heal time to grieve and time to move on

I moved to London 30 years ago so 2015 was a time to celebrate my career and all the friends I met along the way. I had a blast at two Nursing reunions and realised that I have had a fantastic life so far one that has been filled with love laughter and happiness .

So that was my 2015 full of highs and lows but mostly highs to be honest and with 2016 just round the corner I am looking forward to more adventures, more friends more opportunities and loads of fun

How was 2015 for you? I would love to hear from you and how it was for you. you can tweet me or message me on my Facebook page or leave a comment below. I would be really pleased to hear from you and always reply to comments about my posts. I want to take this opportunity to thank you reading my blog for your support,thoughts and comments it is much valued and appreciated.

As we look forward to the New Year. I wish you peace,prosperity and all good things

Take care of you

Dawnie x

A Video Phone Call with the ex – its time to move on

My ex Face Timed me yesterday. I haven’t spoken to him since his move to the Middle East, I was at work so I was unprepared for it but it was good as I was in professional mode and able to deal with him.

We talked, he showed me round his 4 bedroom detached (with servant) house. He told me he was doing well and everything was better than in Britain, his new son was in a private school everything was rosy and that he had made the right decision to move out there.

He told me that he wouldn’t be coming back to the UK for a least a year. We talked about the children. We talked about the things that they are up to, how they were doing, the things we used to talk about when he was in the country and living about a mile away, things that seem strange to talk about to a person who now lives 3000 miles away.

As we talked I felt a myriad of emotions, some sad, some jealous ( I would kill for a servant). I felt sorry for the children they miss their Dad and probably won’t be able to visit because of the prohibitive cost and logistics of school and university timetables.

I felt a kind of sad rage because I reckon my ex got off lightly, while he is apparently living the life of Riley I am here in rainy London really struggling on my own with no servant, no money, and what feels like no life.

Now I know that life isn’t that black or white nobody is completely happy or sad. We all present our best selves to the world but let me sob in my own little pity party just for one post.

I have been a single parent for 8 years and I can honestly say I have never felt so alone as a parent. I hadn’t realised the fact that my ex was in the same town made such a difference to our family, even when he wasn’t doing anything or contributing anything. The fact that he was there made it manageable.

The conversation continued. He made the usual promises and asked for a couple of favours. I didn’t complain or ask for anything because there was no point. We said our goodbyes

As usual the contact with my ex the experience was a bittersweet one, we aren’t friends and perhaps were no longer enemies, we are nothing to each other and that is a weird feeling. I was left with a feeling of acceptance and some sense of peace.

What was good was good in our marriage and I can now remember the good times as they were without them being clouded by the bad.

I think all single parents have expectations of their ex partners which are impossible for anyone to live up to. I think the time may not healing all wounds but it does makes them smart a little less. My ex has moved on its time for me to do so as well.

Until the next time

Dawn

40 Life Hacks for Single Mummy Life

I have been a single Mummy for eight years and loads of things have happened in that time. Some good things and some bad things.

I got divorced and I have fallen in and out of love (to) many times.

My children have grown into beautiful teenagers who are a joy and a challenge to live with.

I have had highs and lows in my career being made redundant 3 times and promoted twice.

I have struggled with my weight, losing 3 stone and gaining half of it back.

I have made friends, kept friends and unfortunately lost some friends.

I have also a started a couple of blogs and I am currently trying to make my writing hobby a career.

I have also learnt a lot about myself about live, love and my career, so I thought I would take stock and share some of the lessons I have learned with you in the hope that it will help you in some way.

So here goes

Do not chase any man, the right man will find you, when you are ready
If a man tells you something you don’t want to hear e.g. “I don’t want a relationship” listen and act accordingly (I have learnt this the hard way)
Make time for your family they are a constant and will always be there for you
Get some sleep, sometimes you will be so tired you will pray for unconsciousness
Know where all your documents are driving licence, house insurance etc. you will never know where they are when you need them
Don’t bad mouth you ex ( even when he has driven you to distraction ) to you kids, they are part of him and will see that as a criticism of themselves
Find time to do something for yourself even if it’s watching Big Brother for an hour, make this time sacred.
Time is your precious resource use it well once it’s gone it gone
Enjoy every moment of you kids childhood it goes so quickly
Don’t be a slave to your job nobody lay on their deathbed and said “I wish I could have worked more”
Take lots of photos of everything, your kids , your friends, everywhere you go and everything you do, its lovely looking back at good times
Make memories with your children they will remember them with fondness as they grow up
Have private jokes with your children, catchphrases that only you know about, it will bond you as a family
Take out one of those policies that covers the plumbing drains etc trust me when you are ankle deep in sewage, they are worth there weight in gold
When your kids tell you there dreams, encourage them and support them 100% it motivates them to succeed
Teach your children to cook as soon as they are old enough, this will help no end when you come home from work.
Encourage your children to tidy up after themselves ( I didn’t) and it causes a lot of stress and arguments
Save up and buy yourself something you don’t need. I put my spare change into a piggy bank I can’t open I call it my “Frippery Jar”
At Christmas and Birthdays tell you kids how much you are going to spend and let them decide what they want within your budget
If you have your own place keep it at all costs it’s your investment for the future.
Make a will , if anything happens you would want to spare your children the worry of sorting out your estate when they are grieving
Have a film that you watch when you are feeling down mine is “Moonstruck” Cher is in it and it’s wonderful!
Try and sort your child support payments amicably if that can’t be done work towards not needing them
Know that your children love you unconditionally even when it feels that they don’t
Be aware of your moods, and know you can sometime difficult to live with, my kids and I are slaves to my hormones.
Say no to your kids sometimes. Practice it does get easier
Beware of married men who want you to make them feel better about their lives don’t let it be at your cost
Whatever you are aiming for you can get it, be it a job, a man, or a new skill it’s there for the taking. Go for it
Look after your health, being sick as a single mummy is no fun, have a contingency plan for when you literally can’t get out of bed
Watch or read the news every day you need to know what’s going on in the world ( and it helps with your general knowledge
Laugh with someone everyday it keeps you young makes it all worth it
Keep in touch with your friends their network of support is worth millions.
Don’t be scared, you can do anything and achieve everything you set out to do.
Have something to look forward to, it makes life easier when times are hard.
Stay in touch with your friends who don’t have children be sensitive of their feelings and support there choices
Don’t take work home, when you are at work, work hard, when you are home, be whatever you want to be
Have some life insurance be reassured that your mortgage will be paid off. If the worst happens
Make any tradesmen who come to your home a cup of tea. They love it and it makes then nice to you
Have one outfit that makes you feel really special, if you haven’t got one get one,
Enjoy yourself you are amazing , you only have one life so live it, love it and laugh!

Did it help? Do you have any Life Hacks for single mums ( and dads) you would be willing to share I would love to hear from you

Till the next time

Single mum Dawn

Single Mummy Life- Tackling the Man Drawer

Picture the scene- I was having some beds delivered for Teen Boy and Teen Girl and needed to dismantle their existing beds.

This proved to be perplexing job about which I have no clue. My ex used to do this sort of stuff, you know change lightbulbs blown fuses, put together flat pack furniture and deal with tradesman. He used to cut the grass, deal with plumbing and drains and manage the garage. This arrangement was fine until he left and then he wasn’t so keen on helping out.

My ex had assembled Teen girls bed and Teen boy’s had been put together by an ex-boyfriend, I remember both events happening while I was busy elsewhere (probably eating) and I also remembered something called an Allen key ( I had to google how to spell it) being mentioned and knew it might be useful.

I tasked a reluctant Teen Boy with dismantling the beds (he had never heard of an Allen key) so this is why I had to venture into the man drawer.

Michael McIntyre does a very funny sketch about the Man drawer which can be defined as the where men put miscellaneous stuff that might come in handy one day. To do things that men do.

This is where I have to come clean and say I haven’t ventured into the Man drawer since my ex left! It was his territory and his responsibility and as long as I stayed out of it meant that I didn’t have to deal with the stuff he used to do.

The reality of my single mummy life is that I have to pay people to do stuff my ex used to do, I am ashamed of this but it is true, there was man coming to put the beds together that evening so time was off the essence.

The Man drawer was so jam packed it took me several goes to get it open

Here is a list of some the delights I found in the man drawer

Batteries various sizes (could be alive could be dead no one knows)
At least 3 pedometers (unused) there could be more
Teen Girls 1st Holy Communion candle!
String (because you never know when you will need to tie something or someone up)
Masking Tape (for kidnapping?)
A very old mobile phone it’s a Motorola
A telephone charger (not for the same phone that would useful and therefore silly)
Screws and nails various sizes
A membership card for a club that has since burned down ( the club where we met)
Glycerine suppositories (!!!) the mind boggles and at some point bowels were loosened
A napkin holder
A pair of secateurs
A few euros
Radiator bleeding key that’s not long enough so therefore useless
Never sent birthday cards that might one day become useful (is anyone eight this year?)
Ink for a printer that we don’t have
Instruction manuals for long since discarded gardening appliances

The man drawer is like a memory of things I used to own, the things my ex-husband used to do for me and things we did together, it’s also an accusation about all the things I haven’t done for myself.

No Allen key!! I took everything out of the man drawer and put it into a box and decided that I was going to have a sort out.

The house is now in the kind of chaos that only comes when you are desperately trying to tidy up before someone comes round (the bed assembly man) and you want to prove to the world that your life isn’t a disorganised mess and you really have got your shit together but realise you really haven’t, I noticed that the house needs painting, we need new doors, new windows and I really need to sort out the garage.

I found the Allen Key eventually, Teen Boy did dismantle the beds (it took hours) and the new beds are now assembled (£ 25 well spent).

The house however is in disarray, it’s like an upended dolls house, and everything has fallen out. My task today is regain some kind of order. This may take some time. I will get there though.

The man drawer is no more- Long live the Single Mum drawer!

If I need a dead battery or an Allen Key I will know where to find it!

Letter to my Teenage Girl as Dad moves abroad

Teen Girl you have had a tough year, your favourite teacher who believed in you, motivated and inspired you died very suddenly. You didn’t get into the school that you dreamed would help you pursue your talent and vocation and now your Dad has remarried and is moving abroad.

You were only little when we divorced, I have often wondered how much you remember, I know that you have sometimes blamed yourself for the divorce and some of the difficulties we have experienced since then I want you to know that none of this is your fault and that we both love and are very proud of you.

I sometimes think the true cost of our divorce is only becoming apparent now as you move from being a tween to being a fully-fledged teenager about to start your GCSE’s.

Your sadness is palpable, you have lost confidence, some of your infectious joy, fearlessness and ability to engage with everything and everybody with a smile. You have however maintained your ability to see the best in everyone including inexplicably Katie Hopkins!

You worry about your weight and your looks. You are developing your own sense of style and opinions about the world. You are tentatively discovering boys. There have been tantrums and tears, we have hurt each other with thoughtlessness and cruel words. I feel that you direct some of your anger at me because I am here, I try to understand what you are going through (I do remember what it was like) although it is difficult to deal with sometimes.

Your pain about your dad leaving makes me sad, I sense your bewilderment, it echoes the sadness I feel about the relationship with my own father who also lives abroad now. A distant tense relationship with so much anger and hurt remaining unsaid. I don’t want that for you.

I worry who will be your safe male role model, who you will be attracted to, what sort of relationships will be your normal? I hope your experiences do not mirror mine, I hope that I can support you to spare you that.

I will help you maintain your relationship with your father (you are the teen queen of social media and technology) and I hear you when say that’s not the same and not enough. I will be here for you when you are finding it hard. It won’t be the same as it was when he lived a mile away it will just be different

You have seen so much in your short life, illness, death of family member’s, difficult friendships, rejection, turbulent relationships and divorce. I know ultimately these experiences will shape you and make you stronger. I know its difficult now though and far from the idyllic teen life we see on the TV.

You are smart funny talented and braver than you realise, you have always been a delight to be with. I want you to know that although you have had a lot of loss and disappointment this year and your world is changing fast there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Hold onto to your dreams, I know that you will be a success in whatever you chose to do because you are amazing and my favourite girl in the world

Love your Single Mum Dawn

12 years on -Memories of my Sister Aspiration Inspiration, Motivation and Hope

Bittersweet day for me today as it is 12 years since my sister Amanda died after having breast cancer.

I remember the date of her birth very well we were so excited, my brother and I had a 50p bet (big money those days) on whether we would have a new brother or a new sister …. I won (I always win)

I was nearly a decade older than my sister, because of her I learned how to look after a baby, a toddler and a little girl. I left home when she was nine as she grew up she became my best friend.

My sister loved playing music and was a talented singer. She sang professionally in choirs, bands, TV and with recording artists, won talent competitions and travelled the world. She used the talents that she was given to best effect.

My sister was a single parent who had her daughter at 19, she was an inspirational single mother who worked hard to own her own home and started a career in social care to support her family while still pursuing her dreams in music.

Her breast cancer diagnosis in October 2000 came as a shock , I am still shocked. She was so young and the cancer was so aggressive. I am a nurse by trade and you see another side to the NHS when a family member is ill. The Macmillan and hospice nurses made me proud of my profession.

My sister was courageous during her illness. Postive , brave, never giving up hope, despite her terminal prognosis , living what remained of her life with courage and optimism which continues be an inspiration to me today

Amanda sadly passed away on the 24th of August 2003 at Hayward house Nottingham City hospital. She was 26yrs old. I miss her every day.

My memories of my sister are that she enjoyed every moment of her life and grabbed every opportunity it gave to her with both hands.

She was ambitious and entrepreneurial and also generous kind and caring. She loved to travel and enjoyed new experiences. She worked hard and was able to buy a house in Beeston which she loved. She adored the latest fashions and never left the house without looking on point.

We liked to laugh together and we shared a sense of the ridiculous a love of comedy and comedy clubs, she loved the Simpsons, Family Guy which are still going strong. She loved gadgets and reality shows. She would have loved what they have done with Big Brother.

She was the first person I knew to have a laptop. So I know that she would have been very into Facebook , Twitter, X Factor and IPhones if she were with us today so my personal interest in those things is obviously on her behalf, well that’s what I tell people I believe it is what she would have wanted.

My sister. was a kind and honest person, ( sometimes to the point of rudeness) a gifted singer and songwriter, choir director and leader, a loving daughter, mother and sister. She was a loyal and supportive friend.

I know that my sisters death gave me the to leave my marriage , get divorced and pursue my dreams in the knowledge that life is short and that its best to do what you have to do and live you life with no regrets.

Twelve year.seems like a long time yet not a day goes past without me thinking of her.

I remember her not with sadness but with love, admiration, affection and joy and give thanks for the gifts she left to me , aspiration, inspiration, motivation and hope.

Till the next time

D xx

New Life, New Wife – My ex got remarried. Am I bothered no..? Did it rock me…? Yes!

My Ex husband got remarried a couple of weeks ago

Was I bothered no… did it rock me yes

I got divorced 8 years ago after a difficult marriage which probably should have ended a long time before it did

My ex was hurt so it wasn’t amicable and he moved about a mile away from our house and maintained his relationship with the kids up, they stayed with him every other weekend and on Tuesdays. This continued until he met the lady who know is his wife and deteriorated further when they had a child together.

There has been lots of “renegotiating” of the boundaries and expectations of blended families so to say I had mixed feelings when I heard about their impending wedding and planned move to the Middle East is a bit of an understatement.

It was weird making sure they had smart clothes to wear so that they didn’t shame me, teen boy went with his girlfriend and teen girl invited a friend from school. They looked lovely and I took lots of photo’s (weird), the allotted hour came and kids being the lazy things they are asked me for a lift.

It was a beautiful sunny day, I couldn’t help but think of my own wedding day it had been muggy and hot, and there had been a thunderstorms the night before, maybe that was a sign.

We arrived, the first person I saw was my brother in law, he had been the best man at our wedding, he seemed pleased to see me and so did his wife, it was great to see them despite the bizarre circumstances.

I saw my ex…. he wasn’t pleased to see me… I don’t suppose I can blame him. I think the bride was due any second. So I made my excuses and quickly left with a lump in my throat mixed thoughts running through my head. One of them being why wasn’t I the one getting remarried. I had always intended to get married again and have another baby,things didn’t work out that way.. was it too late?

What did I do with myself, I went on a shopping spree and I ate doughnuts. I spent the day with a friend who made lots of tea, fed me and let me binge watch loads of television. It’s what I needed.

Apparently the day was a huge success, I was desperate to hear all the details, who came,what did they look like, had they been guests at my wedding? The photos were great. Teen boy made a speech that made everyone cry,the photos were great and a good time was had by all.

Me, I was shocked by the feelings that my ex’s wedding invoked in me, the regret sadness the emotions of loss and bereavement.

I was determined not to cry- and didn’t for 3 days but when it came it was heartbreaking and desolate.

I am writing this not as a woe is me piece but as a reflection that in spite of the passage of time and new partners coming and going (in my case), It is always a shock when your ex-spouse moves on to a new life with a new wife. It leaves you wondering where you are in your life, considering why your relationship ended in the first place and if you did the right thing. I have to admit lots of strange feelings played on my mind for a while.

On the positive side though I also felt it was time to move on, a time for new beginnings, a time to review my life and career, decide what I want and go forward. I have decided to start a blog, to do something different something for me.

Now that one door is now firmly closed there are lots of windows open – the future is mine and my children’s and its looking bright.

Till the next time

Dawn x

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