Category: Divorce Diva Diary

Single Mummy Life on Valentines Day 

Hello  hope Valentines Day is treating you well.
I was obviously overwhelmed with cards from secret admirers ( not). On a serious note valentine can be a bittersweet time for single parents especially if you are;

  • Single
  • Just finished a relationship
  • Contemplating or are in the middle of divorce 
  • or are just not with the right person for what ever reason.

I have been in all of those situations more often then not so if that’s your story today Happy Valentine’s Day I salute and celebrate you take care of yourself and remember what Oscar Wilde said “to love one self is the beginning of a life long romance” 😊❤️

Love to hear how you are spending you day

D

The Single in Single Parent

We are only 5 weeks into 2016 and I find myself single again.   

My 4 year old relationship ended suddenly and without warning but while the pain is still palpable I know it’s for the best. If there is no shared vision for the future there is no point. 
It’s still a shock to the system though. I have been writing about being a single parent for a while now but all the while with the security of having a partner albeit one that I didn’t live with.
Well I am now feeling the single in single parent now and my world is a little different. 

My ex is now out of the country and out of bounds in terms of emotional support with the children. The sense of isolation is sometimes overwhelming and my teenagers continue to be a demanding lot, it’s good in a way to know that the world keeps turning no matter what.

So this year is going to be a year of discovery a year of learning to be on my own to see if I can do it. Reconnecting with old friends developing my career and being nice to me.

If someone comes along hopefully I will be in a good place and I will know what I want and what I can give. 

Until the next time D

Single Mummy Life – A year In review -How  was 2015 for you?-

So you did it! You  made it through  Christmas and now its just New Years Eve to navigate and we are done for another year!  I am still on holiday from work  and its taken till now to finally decompress and relax.

So what shall we do now I hear you say? As 2015  draws to a close it’s time to reflect on the year that has passed and look forward to the new one.

2015 was was a  roller coaster  of a year for me  with  big highs and some  very  lows days  for me. I am not sure whether I am glad to see the back of it to be honest but I guess I have to be thankful for the highs and I need to reflect and learn from the lows.

So here is my Single Mummy Life  2015  review with both good and bad bits included.

The best thing that happened to me all year  was starting this blog  (and it is doing great) I have found a rich vein of creativity that has inspired me to do new things with my life,  develop new skills. connect with new people and  start a business it has been amazing , transformational and has definitely changed my life for the better.

Another wonderful thing that happened  was that I had a piece published  in a national newspaper.  The article was about my experiences of being the single mother of mixed race children and how  black and mixed people are represented in the media. It was also a lesson for me in grabbing opportunities as they are presented to you, a journalist asked to write something following a post in social media and although I was scared I didn’t  hesitate.and the results were fantastic foe me.

The children  are a massive part of my life and we have been through a lot together this year. Teen Boy finished school and started university and  is now getting paid to play rugby part time  which is a massive achievement and  a culmination of years of dedication and hard  work. Teen girl  got into the performing arts school of her dreams  which was like a  reality TV fairy tale  and she  has been so much happier ever since.   Don’t get me wrong  we still have our  challenges but its wonderful to see your children go through tough times and come out the other side smiling

Coming to terms with the end of my  marriage and feeling a failure because of it was one of the recurring lows of this year. I had busied my myself with work education and the children in years since my divorce, never really dealing with the emotional side of a very difficult time, my ex remarrying and moving abroad has allowed to time to heal time to grieve and time to move on

I moved to London 30 years ago so 2015 was a time to celebrate my  career and all the friends I met along the way. I had a blast at two Nursing  reunions and realised that I have had a fantastic life so far one that has been filled with love laughter and happiness .

So that was my 2015  full of highs and lows but mostly highs to be honest and with 2016 just round the corner I am looking forward to more adventures, more friends more opportunities and loads of fun

How was 2015 for you?  I would love to hear from you and how it was for you.  you can tweet me  or message me on my Facebook page or leave a comment below. I would be really pleased to hear from you and always reply to comments about my posts.  I want to take this opportunity to thank you reading my blog for your support,thoughts and comments it is much valued and appreciated.

As we look forward to the New Year. I wish you peace,prosperity and all good things

Take care of you

Dawnie  x

 

 

Singlemummylife -Top 10 tips for managing Christmas as a single parent 

I love Christmas always have but the holidays can be a lonely and stressful time for single parents  and I  know that I feel a bit lost in having to manage the day on my own. So here are my  top 10 tips for managing at Christmas

  1. Decide where you will be. Make a decision as soon as you can.  Factor in your  co parent if they are  around and your network of support. If someone invites you for Christmas bite their hand off and go.
  2. Plan some time off  to do your shopping, every year Christmas comes as a surprise to me so I need a day or two to get myself sorted.
  3. The internet is fabulous,  use it well. I am saving a lot of time doing some of my shopping online ( what did we do before?)
  4. Make a plan for who you are going to see and when over the holidays.  At Christmas I try to see as many friends and family as I can and as we live all over the country this requires a lot of strategic time tabling.
  5. Plan some time when you don’t go anywhere  or do anything treat it as a date with yourself.
  6. Ask the kids what they would like and specify a budget. My kids are too old for Santa so I ask them what they would like and try to fit in as much as I can. It’s also useful to have if friends and family ask what the kids would like for Christmas.
  7. If anyone asks you what you would like for Christmas ask for stuff that you would like but wouldn’t buy for yourself. Make up, earrings, fancy bubble bath that sort of thing.
  8. If you can, buy yourself one thing that you wouldn’t dream of buying during the rest of the year. Wrap it up like you would for a loved one, then open it on Christmas Day and keep everyone guessing as to who bought it.
  9. Create  family traditions that make  Christmas time special one of ours is playing intergerational  (and very competitive ) games of scrabble and Monopoly.
  10. If you do have to spend some time on your own at Christmas make the time into a massive treat. Stay in your pyjamas, wrap up warm and binge watch your favourite films/ Tv series. Eat nice food, drink wine and congratulate yourself on  the great job you have done all year.

So there you have it,  my tips for  managing Christmas as a single parent. I have probably missed loads out and you  guys will have your own tips. If you have let me know.

Have a good one and take care of you.

Dawnie x

A Video Phone Call with the ex – its time to move on

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My ex Face Timed  me yesterday. I haven’t spoken to him since his move to the Middle East, I was at work so I was  unprepared for it  but it was good as I was in professional mode and able to deal with him.

We talked, he showed me round his 4 bedroom detached (with servant) house. He told me he was doing well and everything was better than in Britain, his new son was in a private school everything was rosy and that he had made the right decision to move out there.

He told me that he wouldn’t be coming back to the UK for a least a year. We talked about the children.  We talked about the things that they are up to, how they were doing, the things we used to talk  about when he was in the country and living about a mile away, things that seem strange to talk about to a person who now lives 3000 miles away.

As we talked I felt a myriad of emotions, some sad, some jealous ( I would kill for a servant). I felt sorry for the children they miss their Dad and probably  won’t be able to visit because of the prohibitive cost and logistics of school and university timetables.

I felt a kind of sad rage because I reckon my ex got off lightly, while he is apparently living the life of Riley I am here in  rainy London really struggling on my own  with no servant, no money, and what feels like no life.

Now I know that life isn’t that black or white nobody is completely happy or sad. We all present our best selves to the world but let me sob in my own little pity party just for one post.

I have been a single parent for 8 years and I can honestly say I have never felt so alone as a parent. I hadn’t realised the fact that my ex  was in the same town made such a difference to our family, even when he wasn’t doing anything or contributing anything. The fact that he was there made it manageable.

The conversation continued. He made the usual promises and asked for a couple of favours.  I didn’t complain or ask for anything because there was no point. We said our goodbyes

As usual the contact with my ex the experience was a bittersweet one, we aren’t friends and perhaps were no longer enemies, we are nothing to each other and that is a weird feeling. I was left with a feeling of acceptance and some sense of peace.

What was good was good in our marriage and I can now remember the good times as they were without them being clouded by the bad.

I think all single parents have expectations of their ex partners which are impossible for anyone to live up to. I think the time may not healing all wounds but it does makes them smart a little less.  My ex  has moved on its time for me to do so as well.

Until the next time

Dawn

Single Mummy Life- 16  Time  management tips for a busy working week 

It’s been a busy week. I am back at work full time after being off work ill. The teens are  at  their new schools and colleges and life is settling into an Autumn rhythm. 

I have been  rushing around, fitting in  my daily commute, doctors appointments,  hair  appointments and an evening seminar along the way. In addition there is all the usual washing cooking and cleaning etc!

How do I do it? The answer is I usually don’t and some appointments get missed  (hair and hospital) and the pile of ironing gets higher and higher. In truth I have good days and bad days.

So I have decided to turn over a new leaf and get organised using some of the strategies that have worked well for me in the past plus some new ones I have read about and would like to try.

So here  they are my  Single Mummy Life strategies for getting through the week.

  1. Begin each day knowing what you would like to achieve,  be it geting out of bed on time or calling your hairdresser to make an an appointment, write it down if it helps. 
  2. Review your diary before you go to bed. Know what appointments you have, where you need to be and what travel arrangements you need to make. This will make getting to sleep easier.
  3. Try to get eight hours of sleep, a difficult one this and something I struggle with,  the best I can usually do is to be in my bedroom eight hours before I get up but it’s a work in progress
  4. Decide what you are going to wear tomorrow the night before, again I struggle with this but it does save a lot of time. My decisions are based on who I am going to see that day and how much walking I have to do. 
  5. Know where your vital bits of equipment are, for me this is my keys my phone and my purse In an emergency I can manage as long as I have these things 
  6. Make sure the kids know what their schedule  for the next day iand encourage them to follow tips 1-5!  Every morning Teen boy and Teen girl are looking for something they should have prepared for the night before and every morning I  remind them off it . It is boring for all of us.
  7. Set the alarm for 30 minutes before you need to get up. Enjoy the peace and preview your day and congratulate yourself in advance for a job well done. 
  8. Get up at least 20 minutes before the kids if they see you up and raring to go it helps them to get with the programme.
  9. Have something to look forward to, this could be coffee with a friend or a luxurious bath having something to look forward to will help you to get through the day 
  10. Make a plan for the housework wether it’s doing a bit each day or having a blitz on Saturday morning  ( that’s what I do) having a plan means not worrying about it. 
  11. Decide what you and your kids are going to eat each day. There is nothing worse then coming in from a long day and not knowing what the family is going to eat. I have decided to have a meal plan for the week , my next objective is to have as much prepared in advance as I can ( I will let you know how it goes! ) 
  12. Read your post!  I missed a hospital appointment this week because I hadn’t opened a letter! Don’t let this happen to you. 
  13. Get some excercise even if it’s a 10 minute walk to the shop in your lunch hour. I count my walk to  and from the station in the morning as excercise my next objective is to do some excercise at the weekend as well
  14. Drink! Make sure you hydrated drinking helps you with your concentration when you are feeling sluggish 
  15. Utilise your commuting time, I have an at least 2.5 hr commute every day I have decided to use that time productively to read or write for my blog, listen to a podcast  or to just rest, I am finding that I am now enjoying the time as an opportunity rather than a chore 
  16. Include a hobby, there is more to life than work , housework and the kids (however lovely they are) my new hobby is photography which I can do on the go and during my commute hopefully it will eventually save me money on photos for the blog! 

Well  that’s the plan to get through the working week . Saturday’s my shopping cooking and cleaning day and Sunday’s all being well are for me! 

What do think? Is it  a good plan?  Do you have any additional ideas that work for you? I would love to hear them so do  get in touch and let me know.

  
If you like what you have read get in touch and let me know you can follow the blog here, on my   Facebook book page or follow me on Twitter  @singlemumdawn 

I look forward to hearing from you 

Until the next time 😊

Single Mum Dawn 

    The Single Mummy Life Machine is broken! 15 things that won’t  get done when you are ill

    I was  ill last weekend. Struck down by a heavy cold which went to my chest and left me feeling cold, weak and apathetic

    I usually spend the weekend doing the washing the shopping the cooking the cleaning that I don’t get a chance to do during the week ( yes my life is that exciting)

    As a result of being so ill I couldn’t be bothered to make my own dinner ( yes really ill) all that went  out of the window.

    As I surveyed a mountain of unwashed dishes and a front room I couldn’t possibly let anyone see,  I thought I would  let other single parents  know (as well as Teen Boy and Teen Girl) what to expect when the single mummy machine breaks down.

    1. The dishes wont get washed.   As you are the last person on earth who doesn’t have a dishwasher you will realise the dishwasher is you and you are broken.
    2. The washing will pile up. You do have a washing machine but no tumble dryer and the energy to load and unload wet washing will be beyond you. As for ironing you will remember you never did it anyway.
    3. The kids will expect  all mummy services to be functioning as usual, the teens although sympathetic to your plight will still demand, lifts , money, your ear  and food on the table. You will start to hate them (a little) for it.
    4. You will feel disgruntled, being a single mummy is a 24hr seven day a week job with no pay or holidays, which is fine when you are well and happy,  but rubbish when you are not. You will feel fed up.
    5. You will long for the days of when you had a live in partner. When cups of tea  and meals magically appeared from nowhere and the washing up was not your problem. You will remember when you had an Au pair and be wistful for those halcyon days  your eyes will well up.
    6. You will watch trash TV  on repeat (Say Yes to the  Dress anyone?)  and enjoy the formulaic mindlessness of it all because anything else is exhausting.
    7. You will pass on the free tickets you won in a competition  to  see  Pharell Williams  ( yes readers this really happened) because you are exhausted and can’t be bothered to queue with healthy people who  have the energy to stand up for more than 5 minutes at a time
    8. You will struggle to get dressed and consider going to the supermarket (the fridge is empty)   in your pyjamas.  You will forget that there is such a thing as online shopping.
    9. The teens will claim  there is no food in the house minutes) after you have been shopping  when what they mean is there is no food which takes less than 2 minutes in a microwave to prepare. You will  order Pizza.
    10. You won’t call anyone because you are too tired to talk.
    11. You will feel friendless as you have not spoken to an adult for days, this will not be true it’s just you are too ill to call then (see number 9)
    12. Your hair will stay gray for another weekend but you won’t care.
    13. The  reading for work you planned to do at home this weekend won’t get done.
    14. Any cups of tea the teens make for you will taste like nectar.
    15. Getting the shopping finally put away after 2 will feel like a massive victory .

    Is there anything I have forgotten?
    So friends how do you manage when you are ill, on your own with the kids and you still have to parent them feed them and keep the house going?


    Let me know I would love to hear from you 😊

    Till the next time

    Single Mum Dawn

    Single Mummy Life- I dated a Sex Addict (Once!)

    In my previous post 40 Life Hacks for Single Mummy Life Life hack #27  was beware of still married men who want you to make them feel better about their lives don’t let it be at your cost.

    Here is a cautionary tale about why I said that.

    A friend of mine had met the love of her life on a free online dating site  so I decided to have a go.

    I put up a profile that was very simple with  a rubbish picture so that anyone I knew wouldn’t recognise me.

    Surprisingly I had loads of responses as I was totally honest about my kids my body type etc.

    I  chose to go on one date with a guy  called Bill .

    I have changed his name and to protect the innocent and to protect me! I don’t want him coming after me!

    He looked fairly ordinary on first meeting  average looking, average height etc.

    We had talked pleasantly  enough on the phone before we had met.  I found out been married twice and  that he was separated from his current wife and had recently split up from a girlfriend.

    He flattered me, made me laugh, had a job, so I was looking forward to the evening what could go wrong?
    Plenty! During the date he told me that although he was a born again Christian he had addiction to prostitutes and pornography which is why his marriages  had ended. This was about 20 minutes in!

    I should have gone then really but it was all morbidly fascinating.

    As I nurse I am used to people confessing their deep dark secrets. The nurse in me was interested in why this guy was committing dating hari-kari.

    Perhaps it was because I was a nurse  that he felt comfortable, so comfortable in fact that during our meal he took a phone call from the girl he told me was in love with ( she was treating him badly) , told me about the logistics of queuing in a brothel ( you never see the other blokes apparently) and confided in me that his Dad had  Paraphilia (look it up) and liked having sex with women who  looked like their arms were broken with their  arms in sling!

    I swear this happened but honestly  could you make this up?

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    I told him that I didn’t blame his wives for leaving him as he was obviously a nightmare to be with. He told me I was very forward with my opinions but he liked talking to me as I was a good listener!

    We went to restaurant on top of the Tate Modern which is lovely with a fantastic view I would highly recommend it, so I can honestly say it was the best and worst first date I had ever been on in my life!

    We parted at the train station, he said he would call me. I said that would be nice (! why did I say that?) I went home.

    Needless to say I didn’t see Bill again.

    He texted to say I was lovely ( yeah yeah) but he was in love with another ( the phone call). I was relieved to be honest, it was  a lucky escape.

    He texted again a few months later saying he had made a mistake, the love of his life was no more and could we go for a coffee.

    I ignored it,  I haven’t got time  for people who text and don’t call, give therapy to the porn addicted with a familial tendency for weirdness or be a consolation prize  and anyway I didn’t like him.

    Their are three morals  to this tale.

    Firstly find out as much as you can about someone before you go on a date  with them and be wary if they are on the rebound.

    Secondly make sure to go to a nice restaurant if the date is awful at least the food will be nice!

    Thirdly don’t confess your addictions on the first date. It will ensure you won’t have another!

    You’d think that would be enough to put me off online dating for life but it wasn’t (more another time) it really was a weird  experience I have got loads of mileage out of it as a dinner party story though, so every cloud…… 😊

    Till the next time

    Single Mum Dawn

    40 Life Hacks for Single Mummy Life

    Frippery Jar

    I have been a single Mummy for eight years and loads of things have happened in that time. Some good things and some bad things.

    I got divorced and I have fallen in and out of love (to) many times.

    My children have grown into beautiful teenagers who are a joy and a challenge to live with.

    I have had highs and lows in my career being made redundant 3 times and promoted twice.

    I have struggled with my weight, losing 3 stone and gaining half of it back.

    I have made friends, kept friends and unfortunately lost some friends.

    I have also a started a couple of blogs and I am currently trying to make my writing hobby  a career.

    I have also learnt a lot about myself about live, love and my career, so I thought I would take stock and share some of the lessons I have learned with you in the hope that it will help  you in some way.

    So here goes

    1. Do not chase any man, the right man will find you, when you are ready
    2. If a man tells you something you don’t want to hear e.g. “I don’t want a relationship” listen and act accordingly (I have learnt this the hard way)
    3. Make time for your family they are a constant and will always be there for you
    4. Get some sleep, sometimes you will be so tired you will pray for unconsciousness
    5. Know where all your documents are driving licence, house insurance etc. you will never know where they are when you need them
    6. Don’t bad mouth you ex ( even when he has driven you to distraction ) to you kids, they are part of him and will see that as a criticism of themselves
    7. Find time to do something for yourself even if it’s watching Big Brother for  an hour, make this time sacred.
    8. Time is your precious resource use it well once it’s gone it gone
    9. Enjoy every moment of you kids childhood it goes so quickly
    10. Don’t be a slave to your job nobody lay on their deathbed and said “I wish I could have worked more”
    11. Take lots of photos of everything, your kids , your friends, everywhere you go and everything you do, its lovely looking back at good times
    12. Make memories with your children they will remember them with fondness as they grow up
    13. Have private jokes with your children,  catchphrases that only you know about, it will bond you as a family
    14. Take out one of those policies that covers the plumbing drains etc trust me  when you are ankle deep in sewage, they are worth there weight in gold
    15. When your kids tell you there dreams, encourage them  and support them 100% it motivates them to succeed
    16. Teach your children to cook as soon as they are old enough, this will help no end when you come home from work.
    17. Encourage your children to tidy up after themselves ( I didn’t) and it causes a lot of stress and arguments
    18. Save up and buy yourself something you don’t need. I put my spare change into a piggy bank I can’t open I call it my “Frippery Jar”
    19. At Christmas and Birthdays tell you kids how much you are going to spend and let them decide what they want within your budget
    20. If you have your own place keep it at all costs it’s your investment for the future.
    21. Make a will , if anything happens you would want to spare your children the worry of sorting out your estate when they are grieving
    22. Have a film that you watch when you are feeling down mine is “Moonstruck”  Cher is in it and it’s wonderful!
    23. Try and sort your child support payments amicably if that can’t be done work towards not needing them
    24. Know that your children love you unconditionally even when it feels that they don’t
    25. Be aware of your moods, and know you can sometime difficult to live with, my kids and I are slaves to my hormones.
    26. Say no to your kids sometimes. Practice it does get easier
    27. Beware of married men who want you to make them feel better about their lives don’t let it be at your cost
    28. Whatever you are aiming for you can get it,   be it  a job, a man, or a new skill it’s there for the taking. Go for it
    29. Look after your health, being sick as a single mummy is no fun, have a contingency plan for when you literally can’t get out of bed
    30. Watch or read the news every day you need to know what’s going on in the world ( and it helps with your general knowledge
    31. Laugh with someone everyday it keeps you young makes it all worth it
    32. Keep in touch with your friends their network of support is worth millions.
    33. Don’t be scared, you can do anything and achieve everything you set out to do.
    34. Have something to look forward to, it makes life easier when times are hard.
    35. Stay in touch with your friends who don’t have children be sensitive of their feelings and support there choices
    36. Don’t take work home, when you are at work, work hard, when you are home, be whatever you want to be
    37. Have some life insurance be reassured that your mortgage will be paid off. If the worst happens
    38. Make any tradesmen who come to your home  a cup of tea. They love it and it makes then nice to you
    39. Have one outfit that makes you feel really special, if you haven’t got one get one,
    40. Enjoy yourself  you are amazing , you only have one life so  live it, love it and laugh!

    Did it help? Do you have any Life Hacks for single mums  ( and dads) you would be willing to share I would love to hear from you

    Till the next time

    Single mum Dawn